I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
