I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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