the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Can I color on your dick again?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
