mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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