So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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