If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
