I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
