Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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