i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
