There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
