I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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