Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
