Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
