he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So much rum. So many feels.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
