i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
