My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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