i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She said her name was "party"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
