Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
