I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
