we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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