I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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