Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
