I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
