Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.