Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
