she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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