I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
