K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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