I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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