is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
