This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
