I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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