I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
