ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
