I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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