literally had 100 drinks last night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
