You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
