she looked like the before picture.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
