yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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