Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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