i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
