i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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