Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
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Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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