i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
