I'm so fucking centered right now
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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