I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
