i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
