if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
