I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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