How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
