Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
