That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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