so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
