apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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