What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
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Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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