her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
