I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
