I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
