Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
