if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
